A Beautiful Sight

Today was our first visit with Dr. M, and of course, as soon as he walked in the room, smiling, and shaking his head, I burst into tears. It was just a precious moment that we never thought would come. He was so genuinely happy and said it was an understatement to say he was just thrilled for us when he started seeing results for my bloodwork come to his desk. I'm officially 6 weeks, 6 days, due on January 8, 2008. Nice, even numbers for my Mom. :-) It was a good visit, with a bonus! I wasn't sure we'd have an ultrasound, but he did do one, and it was amazing to see that tiny little "grain of rice" with his or her heart beating so strongly! Here's our little one's first photograph! Please pray for this tiny baby as it grows, that it will be strong and healthy.

A Little Background, Part 2

The struggle to become pregnant the 2nd time really caught me off guard. Soon after Abigail was born, people asked, "Well, do you want another one?" I usually answered, "Maybe." We really did want more children, but weren't sure if we would since James was in nursing school while Abigail was tiny, and it was such a hard few years that babies were way down on our list of priorities. We were just trying to emotionally and financially survive. Plus, if there would be any kind of difficulty like before, I knew I just couldn't arrange for 2 children to be taken care of while I spent countless days at the fertility clinic, trying to have another baby. I just knew I personally couldn't do it and felt it would be neglectful of the babies I had been given.

Part of my hesitation too, was that I was increasingly concerned about Isaac's education, and wasn't totally satisfied with the public school system he was in. Though his teachers themselves had been awesome in the preschool program he'd been in, kindergarten was a hard year. We loved his teacher, but really felt he was lost in the class. With many kids of varied abilities, and not enough attention for each one, I just knew that God was calling me to consider our options. I had said for years I didn't think I could homeschool, because I wasn't qualified to teach a child that may have learning delays, and even though I'd been a teacher, I just couldn't do better than the teachers in public school. This concern added to my hesitation to even consider having another baby. I thought if I'd end up spending lots of extra time working with Isaac after school all the time, it just wouldn't make sense to spread my attention thinner by having more children. The only logical option, to give him the attention he needed, was to homeschool. But, I had no confidence I could do it, until a friend finally said, "Since God gave you Isaac, he must think you're qualified to be his mom. Who knows him better than his mom?!" I just sat there stunned, realizing she was right. I felt convicted and excited too. James had been encouraging me, saying the same thing really, but when Mindy spoke it, I just knew it was the right thing.

So, before we even started homeschooling, I had a really clear peace from God that He would give us another baby. It wasn't necessarily a dream, but almost like He spoke out loud to me one day, that I was being obedient and because of that, my hopes for another baby would be realized. It was just a sweet, peaceful time. I wasn't anxious, but just comforted, and looked forward to that happening.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen quickly. After Abigail, I guess I thought I was cured from infertility. However, there were more problems with the dreaded e. word, and I had surgery in December of 2005 to remove more endometriosis and a uterine polyp. By May 2006, after a year with no success, we began Clomid again. This time, I set the parameters, and chose not to go back to the ART clinic, but just let Dr. McKenzie advise us. I knew we wouldn't do anything drastic, nor did we desire a long effort at getting pregnant on multiple medications. Dr. McKenzie recommended a 6 month period of Clomid, at the lowest dose, to just regulate my cycles and hopefully optimize the chances that more eggs would be released, and so that's what we did. We had to take a break in the middle of it, because of another polyp that returned and because of large cysts one month. By December, I was very disappointed, but knew that we were done. I had no peace whatsoever that we were to continue any further treatment, and though James supported me either way, Dr. McKenzie was in agreement that we'd done all we needed to for the time being. At the end of that time, a follow-up ultrasound showed that tissue was forming where the left ovary had been removed 10 years early. That wasn't a huge cause for concern, but also confirmed to me we needed to just leave things alone. Dr. M. said he'd see me back in August, unless I came in sooner pregnant. He was so compassionate and sensitive throughout that time, and knew our desire hadn't lessened at all and prayed with us numerous times.

After a few more months of hoping that maybe we'd finally achieve a pregnancy, I really hit bottom emotionally in April. I think knowing that May was around the corner, and it would be 2 years since we'd started trying this time, really just haunted me. I also felt like somehow I'd just missed God's plan. I'd been so confident that He'd spoken to me about this other baby that wasn't appearing, and it just hurt and shamed me, really. Finally, I broke down one night and told James I finally accepted that I must've been wrong, and that it was going to be o.k. I longed for a baby so deeply, and it hurt terribly, every single day, but that I needed to just move on. I had 2 children to be thankful for, both miracles in themselves, and I just needed to remember that. He was very kind and loving, and hurt with me. I think the toll on the spouse is a significant one when a couple struggles like this, and many people really don't realize how much they have to share the burden and endure during hormonal and trying times! Anyway, there was a huge relief in saying that and I even shared with a few friends who had been praying for us, how I'd realized this and God was comforting me despite my disappointment. It was a freeing thing, really.

Of course, this was LAST April. As in, one month ago - the month I got pregnant. Is God totally amazing or what?! Several people have said, attempting to be encouraging, that I finally just relaxed. Or, that I surrendered my plan, and God blessed me for it. I don't know if it's either of those, or both, but think mainly it was just finally God's perfect timing. I am not going to analyze it too much, since it doesn't matter. I am just incredibly thankful and awestruck at His goodness.

A Little Background, Part 1

I'm being asked often if we were wanting another baby, and if this pregnancy was a surprise. I guess the answer to both of those would be 'yes,' despite the circumstances. People who haven't known us as long as other dear friends have also asked for "the story." So, to catch some of you up on what God's led us through in the wait for this 3rd child of ours, here's a little history. I'm trying to include answers to all your questions, so hopefully this will cover it. There's a lot of detail, I'm warning you. I'm meeting more and more folks who are facing infertility struggles of their own, and it's a passion of mine to encourage them as they grieve and learn through the process. Hopefully, our stories can give you some hope. This Part 1 will cover the story of our struggle to have Abigail. Then I'll add the latest part of our journey to baby #3 in Part 2.

I have a long history of endometriosis, which has been troubling since I was a teenager, though undiagnosed, but really became an issue once James and I got married. (If you aren't familiar with this condition, read here.) Within 6 weeks of our wedding, I had a major surgery to remove my left ovary, because it was destroyed by endometriosis. I had many other spots of it (adhesions) that he tried to remove and clean up. An oncologist actually did the surgery, because we went into it not knowing whether I had ovarian cancer or what. As you can imagine, it was a very scary way to start marriage! After the surgery, he and my gynecologist felt I was in decent shape, and that I just needed to keep a check on things periodically, since it's a disease that never really goes away.

When we had adopted Isaac, it wasn't because we thought we couldn't have children necessarily. We hadn't been trying too long when we got custody of Isaac as our foster son, and weren't terribly worried, but also were probably in denial a little bit since it had been 2 years since we'd started trying. Finally, in May of 2001, I had a check-up that showed the endo. was back, and very rampant. I went in for surgery within the week, and my dr. was really concerned, saying that it looked like a bomb of endometriosis had gone off. It was classified as stage IV, the worst it could be, and was everywhere - my remaining ovary and uterus had many adhesions, as well as my bladder, intestines, spleen, appendix, lungs, and diaphragm. The news was pretty scary, and we knew that we were facing a difficult time trying to conceive, since the scarring really minimized the chances that a decent egg could be released and then fertilized and implant in such a hostile environment. Dr. McKenzie cauterized as much as he could, trying to again clean up my whole insides, and referred me immediately to an infertility specialist who decided we'd aggressively pursue pregnancy, with the goal of not just achieving the baby we longed for, but that my body would have a chance to heal from the disease, since pregnancy and the lack of ovulation for those 9 months would be the best thing to keep it in remission.

Through 3 months of Clomid and also Follistim injections and a couple of procedures, I developed a whole new level of empathy of women who don't get pregnant easily. I sat in the clinic several times a week for those months, waiting on my turn for bloodwork, testing, consultations, and just was stunned at the many women who were there with me, doing all they reasonably could to have a child. After 3 months, we had to take a break. My ovary was so overstimulated it had a huge cyst that Dr. Long was afraid would rupture and cause me to lose my ovary, so we didn't have any option. I was emotionally drained too, after getting my hopes up more and more each month. Dr. McKenzie had only wanted me to try treatment for 3-6 months anyway, before I saw him again. The last appointment for labs was on Sept. 11, and I sat in that office watching live footage of the towers falling and remember just weeping, and realizing as much as I wanted a baby, it was nothing compared to the heartache of those families. It was a very humbling moment. I left there knowing we just had to stop for a while and focus on the precious son we did have, and just heal some.

The month of October was amazing, because I was on no medication, felt more normal, and we were so happy that Isaac's adoption was going to be final at last on October 22nd. We were planning a party for him at the end of that week. When we had the final decree in hand that Monday, it was such a moment for relief and celebration. Then, when I realized the next morning that I was pregnant, I really felt God had done too much! It was so amazing, that the month after we stopped all medicine and treatment and just left everything alone, God had answered our prayers for a baby. We were beyond grateful and I am still amazed when I think of that wonderful week.

The story of my pregnancy with Abigail and her birth will be on the other blog soon, since her birthday is coming up.

Yep, it's positive!

Our news

We're so happy to announce that we're expecting our 3rd child, due in early January most likely. Of course, Abigail was 4 weeks early, so who knows? We'll post the story of how God has worked in our lives recently to lead us to discovering this news. We'll also post updates here of how things are going, so please check in often.