The struggle to become pregnant the 2nd time really caught me off guard. Soon after Abigail was born, people asked, "Well, do you want another one?" I usually answered, "Maybe." We really did want more children, but weren't sure if we would since James was in nursing school while Abigail was tiny, and it was such a hard few years that babies were way down on our list of priorities. We were just trying to emotionally and financially survive. Plus, if there would be any kind of difficulty like before, I knew I just couldn't arrange for 2 children to be taken care of while I spent countless days at the fertility clinic, trying to have another baby. I just knew I personally couldn't do it and felt it would be neglectful of the babies I had been given.
Part of my hesitation too, was that I was increasingly concerned about Isaac's education, and wasn't totally satisfied with the public school system he was in. Though his teachers themselves had been awesome in the preschool program he'd been in, kindergarten was a hard year. We loved his teacher, but really felt he was lost in the class. With many kids of varied abilities, and not enough attention for each one, I just knew that God was calling me to consider our options. I had said for years I didn't think I could homeschool, because I wasn't qualified to teach a child that may have learning delays, and even though I'd been a teacher, I just couldn't do better than the teachers in public school. This concern added to my hesitation to even consider having another baby. I thought if I'd end up spending lots of extra time working with Isaac after school all the time, it just wouldn't make sense to spread my attention thinner by having more children. The only logical option, to give him the attention he needed, was to homeschool. But, I had no confidence I could do it, until a friend finally said, "Since God gave you Isaac, he must think you're qualified to be his mom. Who knows him better than his mom?!" I just sat there stunned, realizing she was right. I felt convicted and excited too. James had been encouraging me, saying the same thing really, but when Mindy spoke it, I just knew it was the right thing.
So, before we even started homeschooling, I had a really clear peace from God that He would give us another baby. It wasn't necessarily a dream, but almost like He spoke out loud to me one day, that I was being obedient and because of that, my hopes for another baby would be realized. It was just a sweet, peaceful time. I wasn't anxious, but just comforted, and looked forward to that happening.
Unfortunately, it didn't happen quickly. After Abigail, I guess I thought I was cured from infertility. However, there were more problems with the dreaded e. word, and I had surgery in December of 2005 to remove more endometriosis and a uterine polyp. By May 2006, after a year with no success, we began Clomid again. This time, I set the parameters, and chose not to go back to the ART clinic, but just let Dr. McKenzie advise us. I knew we wouldn't do anything drastic, nor did we desire a long effort at getting pregnant on multiple medications. Dr. McKenzie recommended a 6 month period of Clomid, at the lowest dose, to just regulate my cycles and hopefully optimize the chances that more eggs would be released, and so that's what we did. We had to take a break in the middle of it, because of another polyp that returned and because of large cysts one month. By December, I was very disappointed, but knew that we were done. I had no peace whatsoever that we were to continue any further treatment, and though James supported me either way, Dr. McKenzie was in agreement that we'd done all we needed to for the time being. At the end of that time, a follow-up ultrasound showed that tissue was forming where the left ovary had been removed 10 years early. That wasn't a huge cause for concern, but also confirmed to me we needed to just leave things alone. Dr. M. said he'd see me back in August, unless I came in sooner pregnant. He was so compassionate and sensitive throughout that time, and knew our desire hadn't lessened at all and prayed with us numerous times.
After a few more months of hoping that maybe we'd finally achieve a pregnancy, I really hit bottom emotionally in April. I think knowing that May was around the corner, and it would be 2 years since we'd started trying this time, really just haunted me. I also felt like somehow I'd just missed God's plan. I'd been so confident that He'd spoken to me about this other baby that wasn't appearing, and it just hurt and shamed me, really. Finally, I broke down one night and told James I finally accepted that I must've been wrong, and that it was going to be o.k. I longed for a baby so deeply, and it hurt terribly, every single day, but that I needed to just move on. I had 2 children to be thankful for, both miracles in themselves, and I just needed to remember that. He was very kind and loving, and hurt with me. I think the toll on the spouse is a significant one when a couple struggles like this, and many people really don't realize how much they have to share the burden and endure during hormonal and trying times! Anyway, there was a huge relief in saying that and I even shared with a few friends who had been praying for us, how I'd realized this and God was comforting me despite my disappointment. It was a freeing thing, really.
Of course, this was LAST April. As in, one month ago - the month I got pregnant. Is God totally amazing or what?! Several people have said, attempting to be encouraging, that I finally just relaxed. Or, that I surrendered my plan, and God blessed me for it. I don't know if it's either of those, or both, but think mainly it was just finally God's perfect timing. I am not going to analyze it too much, since it doesn't matter. I am just incredibly thankful and awestruck at His goodness.
Friday, May 18, 2007
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1 comment:
God is truly amazing, an he goes to great lenghts to show us that is it not us or our plan but His. We are soo inpatient when God dosen't fit into our plans...just think of Sara at 90 yrs old she had given up on the promise of God...but God was working in His time. What a blessed testimony God has given you with each of your children.
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